The Gate

B"H
I walked out of the computer room, my body aching from hours spent sitting and staring at a screen. It was 9:40, and I had been there since 2:45. My bag hung heavily from my shoulders, and I shuffled through the dark courtyard on my way to the brightly lit, fluorescent green gate.
It was locked.
I stared up at it.
Frustrated thoughts flew in a familiar pattern through my head.
Why do they always lock it?... It's our gate!... I don't have the energy to walk all the way around.... Should I climb over the gate, like the last three times this happened?Lechatchila Ariber, right?
Tonight, I was too tired.
I began the long trek back to my apartment. Stars shone brightly, pinpricks of light in a velvety black sky.
A few words whispered across my mind:
"Why do you always go to the gate when you know it will be locked?"
Why?
Well....
Um...
Another whisper:
"Why did you always think that you couldn't change certain ways you think?"
A door opened.
I've been in seminary the whole year, "changing". And don't forget, "growing". Thank G-d, I have changed. I have grown. But there are somethings that I just haven't been quite ready to give up. Certain thought patterns that I haven't quite managed to overcome. Attitudes that didn't quite get uprooted and replaced.
But a day or two ago, a couple of things happened. Little puzzle pieces fell together and a new picture emerged. I realized what I really wanted, and what I'd have to do to achieve my desires.
In the light of this new realization, those thoughts and attitudes retreated to the shadows.
They are still there. I'll still have to fight them. But I no longer feel that they are my only option. So tonight -
I won't be walking down to the green gate.