Bsd

I love my friends, and I am grateful for all of them.

But I am sick of the friends that I have that take and do not give.

That I listen to for hours while they process and rant and whine and cry, but who interrupt me just as I begin to talk about something I am having a hard time with.

I love my friends, but I hate having friends who have such a hard time dealing with their own issues they have no energy to help me deal with mine.

Who love me when I'm caring and wise and funny, but not when I need to complain about being miserably sick.

Who get angry at me, and then don't let me fix it.

The friends who don't let me get angry at them.

I just don't want to deal with it anymore.

I will, because I love my friends, all of them.

But I am so sick of it.

Some More Truth

Bsd

Remember how I promised to be honest?

To seek the truth?

Well, here's some.

Truth:

I often doubt that Moshiach is coming.

And not when you'd think I would.

Not when terrible, tragic things happen, or when I see evidence of our physcial world falling apart, no, those are the times when I have more faith that Moshaich is coming. That Hashem has some serious, long-term plans for us.

I doubt that Moshiach is coming on Wednesday evenings, when I'm wandering from the kitchen to my bedroom in my pajamas, alternatively looking for food and another good TV show to watch.

That's when I look at myself, at the realm? I'm living in, at its cozy little pattern of work and rest, of sleep and death, of life and all its crazy shit.

Where is Moshiach in all of this?

Where is that feeling that we are right on the verge of something incrediible?

That we are standing on the cliff's edge, and on the other side of the chasm, lies Glory?

I don't know what it was like when the Rebbe was still physically with us. I was about to be six in 1994, and the only memory I have of the Rebbe is Gimmel Tammuz.

But I imagine that energy pulsed through the streets of Crown Heights. I imagine that every time you did something right, you felt prouder, and every time you did something wrong, you felt guiltier.

I picture the t-shirts, the banners, the slogans not being the sole province of yellow-crazed foreigners, but of every Lubavticher.

And although I dont agree with the methods of those who campaign wih the cry of "Yechi" on their lips, I do envy their passion.

They believe that Moshiach is here, that he is with us still.

I don't want to make plans for the future.

I don't know how to balance planning even six months from now with the belief - firm, unwavering belief, belief so strong it makes you LIVE RIGHT NOW as your belief has been actualized - with thinking about saving up for a massage table, or making over my mother's wedding dress.

I believe Moshiach is coming.

I believe it because the Rebbe said so, and the Rebbe said so because Hashem said so.

And I believe in G-d.

My belief in G-d is illogical, and founded on a whole lot of emotion and a good dollop of neccessity, and so is my belief in the Geulah.

I know it is, and I choose to believe anyway, because - ha! - I BELIEVE IT IS RIGHT.

Even though I often doubt.

Crown Heights Poetry Slam Mission Statement

I was thinking of ignoring this whole issue. This is something taking place in my real life, and so what is being said on the internet doesn't really matter. But somehow blogging has become more than just a way to waste time. I feel like a journalist, like I have a commitment to discovering and discussing the truth. One of the reasons bloggers group together in communities is to call each other on our BS, to make each other dig deep and really figure out what the hell we are doing in our lives - our REAL lives.

So I'm not going to ignore this discussion.

The poetry slam was not my creation. It was a gift to me, from my older brother. Truthfully? I would never have created such a thing, simply because I wouldn't have thought I could! But Levi did. And he gave it to me because he believed I could do it. And I have.

It wasn't until after I was in charge that I had to think about what it was, and what I wanted it to be, and what and who and how and all those questions that have been raised. I have come to some of the answers by experimentation, and some by exploration.

I have some idea of what the Crown Heights Poetry slam is now. And I'm going to share it with you.

Words have incredible power. They take the reader to places they could never be, physically. They allow you to have unity with another person's mind and heart. They can mystify and clarify.

Poetry, especially perfomance poetry, can be a way to use words on a deeper level. The author is allowed to break grammatical rules and societal rules and whatever else in order to discover or create something that is unique to them, to their soul. You can tell a story, view the world through someone else's eyes, relive a traumatic or joyous experience, or tell a joke. It is a way to process your life, or the world, or anything; it is a way to connect to your discoveries and creations

That's how I view poetry.

Now here's how I view myself.

I am a Jew. That is the first and most primary way I identify myself, before my name, before my gender, before anything else. I have a Jewish soul.

And no matter what I'm doing, I am a Jew doing that.

So everything I do is - should be! - a Jewish thing.

Including my poetry.

When I tell a story, I can tell the story of the first time I davened. When I look through another's eyes, it can be that of the non-Jews who surround me, or the Jewish boy I imagine I will be the mother of someday. When I relieve an experience, no matter what it was, my Jewish soul was experiencing it.

So that is what the poetry slam is.

A place for Jews to come and relate their Jewish experiences.

It's not meant to be a shlichus. It's not meant only for religious Jews. It's a place for Jewish expression of the Jewish experience, whatever that is.

I want it to be as welcoming as possible for any Jew who comes.Religious, non-religious, man or woman.

With that in mind, the suggestion of separate seating was a welcome one. As for questions about a mechitza, or whether or not this event should even exist (because it is a mixed event), I personally don't feel those are relevant issues considering my goals. (Of course, my personal opinion isn't enough to rely on, and I do intend to ask my rav his perspective on this event.)

That's about it.

Any questions?

Because It's Been So Long, I Had Time To Rethink It - Superpower Redux

Bsd

Superpower Redux

There is this show, it's called Lie to Me, and it's brilliant. And based on a real person. And he has the superpower I want.

He can read people's minds. Well, not really. He can read their faces, and that's almost as good.

The eyes are the window to the soul, and your face is apparently the window to your mind. Everything you think and feel is expressed in subtle motions of the facial muscles.

And if you have quick enough eyes to notice them and the knowledge to interpret them, you know what is going on inside that person.

The ability to know when someone is lying? When they're angry or sad or happy or satisfied, even if they deny it?

To know when to trust? When to defend?

To know what someone really thinks about you?

That's a power I would want.

That would be real power.

Superpower Meme

Bsd

FINALLY DID IT!!!

Everyone wants to fly. I mean, look at the memes - flight or some variation is present in almost all.

Flight is freedom, or that is what we think.

Flight is power, or so it seems.

Flight is passion, or it could be.

But G-d created us two feet on the ground, wingless and heavy boned.

So where comes this deep desire for flight?

Think of it in reality:

Flight would be cold,

Flight would be tense.

Flight would be terror.

Except -

I close my eyes and imagine myself in flight

and I am bodyless.

Is that our desire for flight?

To be body-free

Like flame soaring up to its source

Soul returning to creator

Free of this world

its woes

and responsibilities.

Do we think:

" I am flying closer to God." ?