Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Why, G-d, Why?

Bsd


Why do You make my life so full
of confusion,
all tops and bottoms, beginnings and endings, insides and outsides
reversed,
so that the easy life I have been living left me full of self-loathing,
and tonight,
the hardest thing I've ever done
is the one that leaves me feeling
closest to You?

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

This is my Gimmel Tammuz.
Quiet and alone in a house with two sleeping children upstairs, bone tired from my day, while my friends get a ride to the Ohel with my sister, and I eat pastries taken from a farbrengen, and chat online.
I will go next week, when the Ohel is as empty as it ever gets, and I can confront my Rebbe on my own.
Tonight, I do a greater service, letting my sister and brother-in-law, front-line soldiers that they are, gather strength from being in Crown Heights at this time.

Summer Time

I worked my last official day at my morning job today.
Despite the fact that it's almost the end of June, that means that tomorrow will be my first day of summer. (Now if it would only stop raining...).
Tomorrow is the first new day I'll have had in months.
I'm thinking of disregarding everything I know about my personality and my weaknesses, and instead of finding a new morning job, I'm going to spend the summer mornings writing.
And more importantly, sending those writings in anywhere I think I might be able to get published.
I've planned on doing that for so long, so many times.
I don't think I'm going to do it this time.
All the other times, I was convinced, THIS time would be the one.
Now, I have lost faith in myself.
But I cannot give up.
If I don't even pretend to have hope for myself, where will I be?

(PS. I apologize for writing such a demoralizing post. I'm just getting in touch with my dark side.)

Friday, June 19, 2009

Childhood Memories

Bsd

The rain today struck a memory chord.
El Nino, the weather pattern of my childhood.
Rain, rain, rain.
My block flooded with currents so strong my brother and his friend could almost float down the street.
It rained all winter and all summer and all the time.
I was always surprised when it didnt rain quite that much the following years.
I love rain.
Rain dripping off the ends of my hair down my nose to my fingers clutching the handlebar of the stroller and I am wet! Dripping! And I don't give a damn and how freaking freeing is that?!
Giving up control and just letting it happen.

I wasn't going to have my writing group tonight. My sister is in town, and needs help with the kids, and I was tired (two hours of sleep will do that to you). But Shmuly guilt tripped me into doing it, and I'm glad I did.
It was good! We had a little group, and we wrote, and we read, and I liked what I wrote.
So I'll share.
I had everyone create a childhood memory. It could be for themselves or for a character, but it could not be a real memory.
Here is what I wrote:

In the summer, we would walk to the Central Library, my mother and I, and take the 3 train home. I was a sturdy four year old, but not sturdy enough to walk there and back. I am amazed at my mother's patience, to hike up each long block holding my hand, stopping with me at every bench along Eastern Parkway to say hello to the old black people who sat there. It must have taken us an hour or more to finally reach our destination. But then my mother would get her reward. She would pick out some books for me - the ones by Steven Kellog, with Rosie the cat and the Great Dane whose name I can't remember hidden in each story, were my favorites - and then she would seat me in one of the squishy chairs planted in a square amongst the fiction racks. I would curl up and "read" to myself while she wandered the aisles, always coming back to wave at me and deposit another book on the growing stack beside my chair.
After she was finally satisfied and before I grew bored and fidgety, we would go to the cavernous hall that was the main lobby to check out all of our books. Every time, I would have the urge to shout my name and hear how it would echo, all the way up to the high roof and back down to bounce against the shiny marble floor, the syllables loud and clear at first and then fading gently, " Dov-ov-ov-ov."But my mother had said to me that the library was a quiet place, and I listened.
Finally, it would be time for my reward. No matter how tired I was, once we left the library, I would run up the incline, dragging my mother by the hand behind me. Both of us would stand breathless at the stoplight, and I would wiggle, until my mother warned me, "We wait until we see the person, Dovie, then we look for a car, and then we can cross!" Once we crossed the street, I could see it - the jets of water leaping joyously into the air, and then falling back down, hitting the pavement in a syncopated rhythm. They danced to a tune I felt only I could hear. My mother would take our bag of books and sit on the giant steps of the Brooklyn Museum and I would run up to the fountain, right next to the iron bars that fenced it in. And I would dance.
I would raise my hands up and the water would shoot up into the blue sky! I would stamp my feet and it would smack into the ground, pelting me with delicate droplets. I was the king of the water, I remember thinking, king being the closest word to commander that I knew.
My mother would wait on the steps until I grew tired and then she would scoop me up and carry me to the subway station. I would wrap my arms around her neck and keep my eyes on the dancing water until our descent into the underground blocked it from my view. I would fall asleep on my mother's lap on the ride back to Crown Heights, body jolted by the 3 train's jerky stops, bolstered by her arms around me and the bulky bag of books next to me, the water still dancing behind my closed eyes.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

I'm Back

It rained tonight, and my living room felt like a boat. The fan stirred cool air over our heads and the windows shouldered the blows of the raindrops. I've been waiting for the hideous muggy weather that New York is supposedly blessed with in the summer time, but so far it has yet to appear. I'm praying that there will be a miracle (or as the people in my home town call it, some serious global warming), and that this cool, sunny, sometimes a little humid stuff will stick around.


I read a book tonight, one of my favorites, one of the only books that I read twice in a row, one time right after the other. I remember the first time I read it. I sat curled up on the couch on our front porch, on a lazy afternoon. I read the book, closed it, paused, opened it and read it all over again. It was just that good. The Blue Sword by Robin McKinley. She has authored some of my favorite books, but this book is of a different caliber. It is one of the books that made me want to write.

I was thinking about something I wanted to write down today and then realized that I couldn't write it, because who knows, the person I wanted to write about might read it someday. As unlikely as that is, I've taken note of the hard lesson other bloggers have learned. There have been other things I wanted to write that I have chosen not to voice here, because here I am known. People I know and love read this and because of that, there are just some things I cannot say. Part of me thought that and envied those who write anonymously. But then I think about everything I've gained from being open about who I am. I blog for the connection just as much as the expression. And if I have to sacrifice brutal honesty for that, I will.