If Only I Could See It Myself

BH
I went to the Ohel today. It was a cold day, but the sun was shining brightly. I stood in the Ohel, and raised my eyes up to the clear blue sky. The panim covered the Ohel in a thick layer of white, the way they always do. A wind blew over and stirred some of them around.
It's special to be at the Ohel, but whenever I go, I feel a longing for something more. Something I can't get the way the world exists right now.
I want to be able to see the Rebbe. I've listened to farbrengers speak about the Rebbe, about the pain and confusion Gimmel Tammuz caused them, about their yearning to see the Rebbe again. And tears come to my eyes, and I feel a shadow of the same longing. I listened to R' Chitrik's description of Pesach night, after the Seder, he followed the Rebbe out of 770 to Union where the Rebbitzen was waiting, and how he saw them walk down the street together to their home. And how for him, that expresses what the Rebbitzen is - the Rebbe's partner. And I sigh, almost able to see it in my mind's eye.
But none of it is enough. No amount of stories, miraculous and touching, no amount of accounts from my parents or older friends, teachers, mashpiim, no amount of videos from farbrengens or dollars, none of it is enough. I want to see the Rebbe myself, with my own eyes. I want to take a dollar from his hand, and feel that charge, the awe of being his chossid. And so I stand at the Ohel, and tears well up as I stand beneath the bright sun. All I have is this, and I want so much more.