Thursday, August 28, 2008

A Dialogue of Two Parts

Bsd

I am proud to present to my readers (all five of you!) a dialogue between two individuals that I orchestrated for my own amusement. Having been amused, I decided to share the wealth. Unfortunately, this is one of those jokes which needs explanation. Or at the very least, a preface.

Here it is:

The Characters

The Roommate (who is, in fact, MY roommate) is someone who takes her arguments very seriously. She believes in what she says, and in being open to the opinions of others. She's studying philosophy. (I think I could have started - and finished - with that, and saved myself four lines of typing.)

The Real Shliach (who is probably someone's roommate, but definitely not mine) is someone who doesn't take his arguments seriously. At least not the ones he has on the internet. He believes in nothing he says, and in being so open to the opinions of others, that sometimes he ends up with none of his own.

Now read and laugh as The Roommate tries desperately to have a serious argument, and The Real Shliach tries desperately not to!

Subject: Ok, psychoanalyze me.
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From: The Real Shliach :

I'm always up for a discussion. Discuss away!

--
Enjoy visiting www.therealshliach.blogspot.com


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From The Roommate:

Hi,
My intent was less to psychoanalyze and more to point out where your impressions of Boteach may due to hearsay or a scant understanding of him and his approach - if you can point me in the direction of posts where you were more critical of him I can begin to try and do that.

Best -
The Roommate


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From: The Real Shliach:

http://therealshliach.blogspot.com/2008/01/my-issues-fascinating-eh.html
http://therealshliach.blogspot.com/2007/12/in-celebration-of-bochurim.html

Now honestly, I wrote these a while ago, and I may not agree with everything I said. But don't worry, I'll still argue with you, because it's quite the fun activity. Bichlal, I don't know too much about Shmuley, and I'm sure that as a person he's a wonderful guy. I didn't particularly like the infamous pie-throwing incident, nor his debating with Christopher Hitchens. I thought that he really dropped the ball there.


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From The Roommate:

As I'm rereading your posts I'm realizing that there's very little I can say, since you didn't say one critical word - only spiteful vendettas.
I'm always game for criticism (namely: insightful remarks that point out the subtleties of a situation, person, art...etc) because those are debatable, the nuances defined for discussion, and prejudices generally aired quite clearly.

Since you don't seem to consider Boteach a Chassid, or having a valid opinion, without any explanation why you find it appropriate to justify such casual defamation, there isn't really much to discuss....
I'm remembering now why I got upset when Ashirah showed me those posts....struck me as remarkably callous and unintelligent.


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From: The Real Shliach:

Wow. That was pretty harsh. Um, I'm not sure how to respond. After reading what you said I read what I had written; in the article about Shmulie and Nobel, I realized my mistake and wrote as much. Fine, so I didn't exactly apologise, but I said I was wrong, which is pretty close. Besides, that post had some great prose, which I still marvel at many months later. As for the second, well, all I did was write my own opinion on the matter. As it happens, the guy who did the real insulting was CCL, who is another story entirely.
Anyway, this isn't about defending myself, because you aren't interested in me defending myself. You'd rather me prostrate myself before an image of the righteous Rabbi Shmuley and beg forgiveness for my many sins.
Listen, it's not like I really have anything against Rabbi Boteach. Heck, if he calls up and asks me to go out with his daughter, I'd probably say yes. Do I agree with everything he says, or more importantly, does? Heck no. Would he, if he knew me, agree with everything I say, or do? I'm pretty sure that he wouldn't. Still, I'm pretty sure that he's a good guy, and I'm pretty sure that I'm a good guy, and if you can't say a sharp word once or twice, then what's the point of it all?


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From The Roomate:

I think the insulting bit was where you called Boteach not a real Chassid and things like that without any substantail critique that would be interesting. There's no need to prostrate, just needless and unfounded insults about someone I admire really irk me, especially when it's trendy to disapprove of him and he's contributed so much to the Jewish world and is a tribute to Lubavitch. Sharp words are fine. The man does say controversial things, and I think that its good that people disagree and discuss why they disagree and about what particularly; it's good to use someone's extreme or unusual position to help you clarify your own. It's when you bash because you're what some may call a hater (haha) then I just find that so wrong and aggravating. So again, if you have real critique - by all means. If you have needless sinas - bad news.


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From: The Real Shliach:

I'm sorry. I done bad. Shtuff happens. Is he a Chassid? If you say he is, then I'll take your word. What else can I write? Tell me and I'll write it.


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From The Roommate:

I'm so honored you would take my word, sheerly on the basis that I'm Cheerio's roomate. It really depends on how you define a Chassid. I can tell you personally from what I've seen of him, both in public and private, he is a kindhearted, caring person devoted to G-d, Chassidus, and helping his fellow Jew. That's enough for me. As per his opinions and writings - individual issues can be debated and disagreed about on an individual basis. As per his personhood, I can testify to his character.


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From: The Real Shliach:

I'm taking your word on it because I have no reason not to. I only distrust people when they prove that they can't be trusted; up 'till now you've done nothing which would make me think that I shouldn't take your word. With Cheerio it's the same, though are relationship hasn't reached the point where her vouchsafing for someone would automatically recommend them to me.
How do I define a Chassid? At this point in my life, the only answer I trust is the one given by the Rebbe Rashab in yechidus, that a Chassid is a lamplighter. If what you say is true, and I'm sure it is, then I have no reason to doubt Rabbi Boteach's character.
Perhaps I should meet him. Or maybe not. Whatever it is, that's what it is.


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From The Roommate:

I would rethink that trustworthy attitude but hey, that's just me.

If by lamplighter you mean someone who spreads Yiddishkeit and Chassidus, I doubt you'll find someone more qualified than Rabbi Boteach.

You should definitely meet him.


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From: The Real Shliach:

What's wrong with trusting people?
As for meeting him, "Take me to your leader."
Anyway, what would I say?


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From: The Roommate:

It's not a good idea to trust people you don't know, is all I'm saying. Trust is an earned thing, generally. I don't know how to further explain that.

There are defintitely going to be upcoming events in the New York area where Boteach will be speaking or leading or even around - I can be sure to put you on the mailing list if you're interested. He's very approachable, and loves Lubavitchers, so if you'd like, just introduce yourself and tell him what you thought of what he said or so forth. It's pretty easy to see that he's nowhere near the vicious power-hungry mongel he's often made out to be by older generations that are scandalized a shliach would associate with non-Jews or speak about sexuality (both common practices nowadays - shluchim are now quite happy to associate with Shmuley's old buddies from the Lechaim society now that they're rich and famous, and as I recall there's a great book about mikveh/sexuality written by a shlucha that is commonly accepted now). Ask to come for Shabbos - he always has a full house, many Lubavitchers often.

Thanks for being open to my remarks. In real life I'm definitely not this harsh, but the internet makes it somehow possible, you know?

Wishing you the best.

The Roommate


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From: The Real Shliach:

Yes, I suppose so. I think that there's two kinds of trust here; one is the subway kind of trust, that I trust that my fellow occupants in a subway car won't suddenly attack me, though I'm still a bit wary. The other kind would be when someone tells me something. When I don't think there's any reason not to believe them I generally do.
I'm not going to be in New York until after Tishrei, and I don't know if I want a million emails from a list coming in; going to his house sounds like a much cooler option, though I don't know where he is, which is a bit of a complication. Also, I can't imagine myself walking over to someone who I've never met and telling them why I think they're wrong; the internet, as you say, emboldens one to make statements which would never pass through our lips in real life.

Wishing you the best, of course,
TRS


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From The Roommate:

I would say to try and email him:

shmuley@shmuley.com.

he always responds.


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From: The Real Shliach:

Nu, and what should I say?


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From: The Roommate:

I don't know - if you have a boen to pick with him, do so - of course, my recommendation would be to be respectful and have you know, basic ahavas yisroel, though he is definitely used to the standard dull inarticulate rants and defamation and bashing, I'm sure.

Ask if you can come for shabbos and when a good time would be - he always has bochurim come, it's totally not a weird question.


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From: The Real Shliach:

Do I have a bone to pick with him? I'm not even sure at this point. If I read some of his articles, I'f probably remember some things which I don't like, but at this point all I can recall is that I don't agree. With what though, I don't know. So I guess that one's out of the question. Perhaps I should just say that you said to email him, and see what hapens; that could be fun(ny).
As for going over. where does he live? NY?


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From: The Roommate:

Well,I would only recommend being in contact with him if there is something in particular you want to discuss. You could always just ask to come for Shabbos if you want.

If all you remember is that you disagree, in all likelihood you were convinced by someone of his wrongness, and very little of that convincing had to do with facts... am I right?

He lives in englewood, new jersey.


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From: The Real Shliach :

So I told Cheerio that I had capitulated to you, in she castigated me in the wildest terms imaginable. Seems that I was being counted on to provide entertainment for her, and my admitting defeat at so early a juncture ruined those plans. So, for her sake, let's have a real argument. I'll say something so outrageous that no one could possibly defend it, you'll respond, shocked beyond belief, I'll stay my ground, you'll call up Moshe Kotlarsky and demand my immediate execution, he'll refer you to Rabbi Shmuley, the two of them will sic their dogs on me, I'll run off to Paris, and probably be home in time for supper.
No I just have to think of something to say...
Have a tremendously meaningful Shabbos, and remember to take everything I say with a 2 pound box of salt, because you ain't seen nothing yet!


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From The Roommate:

Sounds good, I'm looking forward..have a great shabbos


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From: The Real Shliach :

OK, I'll see what I can do. How about, "Chabad as we know it is dying a slow and painful death?" No, that's not controversial enough. Perhaps, "Orthodox Judaism should accept members of the GLBT community with open arms, and embrace gay marriage." Hmm, that could do it. Or maybe you'd wish to discuss the effects of chaos theory on Jewish thought in our times? That would also be interesting. Oh well then, I've given you some great options there, I can't wait to see which one you rip my head off for...

And if you made it this far - up for a Shabbaton at the Boteach's?

Monday, August 25, 2008

Feel Free To Congratulate Me!

Bsd
This award was presented to me by End of World. Check out her blog!
Yaay for me! Break out the champagne! Oooh, and don't forget to check out my acceptance speech in the comments!

I'm Too Tired to Think of A Name For This Post. If You Have Any Suggestions, Please Suggest Away.

Bsd
I was going to write a post about Tu B'Av, but then my life happened and now it's a bit too late for that. Of course, I could enter into my special place, where time is relative, and my blog posts are eternally relevant, but frankly I'm not in the mood. It's 3 Am, and what's incredible is that people are actually going to read this. Yaaaay! Having people read my blog isn't actually why I started it, but now that it's happening, it's so much fun that I am responding to it by writing posts more suited to my readers. Ok, this isn't suited to my readers because it's a bit too contemplative. Be funny, Cheerio! (This is tough. It's hard to be funny on demand. At least without having a team of script writers working on developing your lines. I don't know how some of you people do it! Just let the ridiculousness flow. My brain keeps getting in the way and trying to think. )
Today, I went to this giant flea market in San Jose. Very cool thing - it was in a drive in theater! I didn't even know any of those still existed in California! I'm very excited. Not that I'm making any immediate plans to drive two hours to see a movie in a drive in, but just knowing that a drive in theater exists is a comforting thought. Going to a drive in was one of my favorite memories as a kid. My parents would pack us up in the car and make popcorn and bring blankets, and drive out to a theater and we'd watch something. We really only did it a couple of times, which is why it stood out in my memory so much. But it was fun! And after discovering on Shabbos that a nearby park took out the extremely cool pirate ship climbing structure, and replaced it with a dinky prefab plastic one, discovering that drive ins are not extinct was very reassuring.
The flea market reminded me of the shuk in Israel, only with more Mexicans, Asians, and white trash. After seeing the sheer volume of stuff they have there, I have taken a vow never to buy retail again. Especially when it comes to getting my kids toys. Maybe I'll make an exception for birthdays. But just seeing how much stuff exists in this world is frightening.
And when most of it seems to somehow transport itself into the back of your car? Even more frightening.
After that, it was on to the frum pool party. This is how you have a frum pool party:
Move to a really small community. Invite a bunch of families, where the kids are either too little to want to hang out with each other, spent enough time playing together growing up that flirting with each other would feel like incest, or are actually related. Be very rich, and have a separate pool house and pool area. Men swim, women eat, and vice versa. Play Matisyahu.
Voila! Frum pool party.
Now I can't think of any more to say.
So I am not going to say anymore.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

My Life as An Indentured Servant by Ashirah Welton

Bsd

I've been living on my sister's couch in Nashville for a month, and now my sentence here is very nearly up. It's been a great month, full of nephewing and nieceing, with an emphasis on the nephewing. One of my accomplishments has been becoming my nephew's best friend. These are cucial times, when you must gather your fuel for the future. I mean, I've got to have something to embarrass the kid with when he's a hulking sixteen year old bochur!
"Oy, I remember when I used to wipe your bottom!" "You used to pish in the tub whenever I gave you a bath!" "Your first word was 'shoes'!"
That kind of stuff. Or, as an honored colleague of mine would phrase it, "shtuff".
As for Nashville - from what I've seen of it, it seems to be a fairly interesting, entertaining place. Of course, the farthest I've been allowed from my sister's home in three weeks is the local Kroger's. Oooh boy, that was a grand adventure! Ever tried shopping with a 19 month old? By the time you leave the store, they've eaten or destroyed half your purchases!
There are benefits to accompanying a toddler, however. Everyone is nice to you. Everyone smiles, and says, "Hey."(It is the South.) And there is no greater satisfaction than being the one who taught your nephew how to turn the water faucet on.
Another of my favorite activities was devising as many possible arrangements of his hair as I could imagine would bug my sister. I tried the Sikh bun on top of his head, the girlish ponytails, the palm tree/fountain pony... I haven't tried horns yet, but I've still got a few more days!
I have heard about Nashville a lot. Second or even third hand experiences are better than none. (If I keep telling myself that, I might actually believe it eventually.) Nashville is officially in the South. Redneckville. Evangelical Christianville. "Watch out cuz they're coming over to see if you have horns"-ville. Land of the Mega Churches and country music. Can you imagine a more wonderful place to be?
By far the most entertaining second hand experience I had here was discovering the Anti-Fat People Church.
This is a church whose prophet (a woman, who also has told them that women can't hold positions of authority and must submit to the men. Killing off the competition?) has decided that Brentwood (a local neighborhood) is the Promised Land (what's interesting is that Nashville has also become a mecca for various Muslim nationalities, but more on that later). They also believe that fat people are evil devil worshippers. (That is not -sic-, but it sounds good.)
Why?
Because this woman started out running workout programs for churches, before deciding to create her own religion out of her program. Hence, the existence of the Anti-Fat People Church.
It's the religion custom-made for Los Angeles. Or at least Beverly Hills and the Valley. And maybe Malibu as well.
Then there's the Kurds, Palestinians, Iranians, Bahai, Sudanese, (fill in your favorite Islamic group here), that have all gathered in and around Nashville. So you've got white evangelical Christian rednecks, and displaced refugee Muslims. And Jews. Fun, fun, fun!
I can't think of a way to end this, but neither can I think of anything else to say. Which is unfair. Because there's plenty more to say. Like how my sister's neighbor drove her to the hospital Friday night because she was in labor, and later we spied his wife wearing a pro-Palestinian t-shirt.
Or how there were only two kinds of dads playing with their kids at the park: hip, cool, tattooed, pierced, spiked hair dads, or crisp buttoned up shirt, tie wearing, military haircut, shiny shoes dads.
Or the fact that people here actually say, "Y'all." And don't laugh self consciously afterwards.
But tomorrow is Erev Shabbos, and the freshmen are arriving, and we've got Shabbos to cook, and I've got solo nephew and niece duty cuz my mommy is gone, and... and... and my brain is currently melting from lack of sleep and I only wrote this to make SOME VERY IMPATIENT PERSON ENTERTAINED. And I have another post I want to write tomorrow in honor of Shabbos.
So.
The End.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

And Tu Bav Is On Its Way

Bsd

Thank You for her good news. Now we can dance. Now we can sing. Now we can live.
Break out the white dresses, baby!

Monday, August 11, 2008

Tisha Bav is Over

Bsd

Why, G-d? we ask as we sit, feet dangling in cool waters underneath the summer sky. I turn my head against the sunwarmed concrete and think of mothers and fathers lost and then my mind takes a curve and I'm thinking about bad haircuts. Only yesterday we mourned and today music rings through the air filling my soul, and our voices soar in quiet demand as we ask Where are You? I have no answers to give her. I cherish my belief in contrast to her pain and also wonder if this were my life would I be as faithful as I counsel her to be? My hand lies illumined by the lamplight and black bloodsuckers flick away from my skin and her voice breaks as she cries What will I do when he is gone? I have nothing. tongue and voice are cleft. I hold her hand. What can I give you, my sister, daughter of Israel, what can I tell you, your heart will not hear it, your soul is held captive. instead I mourn with you. I will pray that we need not mourn, that we will rejoice, that all my beliefs will be proven to your medical satisfaction, that your eyes will be opened and you will be able to thank G-d for His mercy. I said to you tonight He is the bringer of your pain and He is the comforter of your soul. He is Infinite, for only one who is can be all these things. Birds fly overhead, don't they know it is night now? over the trees the moon shines brightly. You walk away, alone, and my heart beats hard, thinking of girls newly wedded who are lost, fathers who are strongholds who might one day be gone, and of my own confusion, borne of joy and folly.