My Life as An Indentured Servant by Ashirah Welton

Bsd

I've been living on my sister's couch in Nashville for a month, and now my sentence here is very nearly up. It's been a great month, full of nephewing and nieceing, with an emphasis on the nephewing. One of my accomplishments has been becoming my nephew's best friend. These are cucial times, when you must gather your fuel for the future. I mean, I've got to have something to embarrass the kid with when he's a hulking sixteen year old bochur!
"Oy, I remember when I used to wipe your bottom!" "You used to pish in the tub whenever I gave you a bath!" "Your first word was 'shoes'!"
That kind of stuff. Or, as an honored colleague of mine would phrase it, "shtuff".
As for Nashville - from what I've seen of it, it seems to be a fairly interesting, entertaining place. Of course, the farthest I've been allowed from my sister's home in three weeks is the local Kroger's. Oooh boy, that was a grand adventure! Ever tried shopping with a 19 month old? By the time you leave the store, they've eaten or destroyed half your purchases!
There are benefits to accompanying a toddler, however. Everyone is nice to you. Everyone smiles, and says, "Hey."(It is the South.) And there is no greater satisfaction than being the one who taught your nephew how to turn the water faucet on.
Another of my favorite activities was devising as many possible arrangements of his hair as I could imagine would bug my sister. I tried the Sikh bun on top of his head, the girlish ponytails, the palm tree/fountain pony... I haven't tried horns yet, but I've still got a few more days!
I have heard about Nashville a lot. Second or even third hand experiences are better than none. (If I keep telling myself that, I might actually believe it eventually.) Nashville is officially in the South. Redneckville. Evangelical Christianville. "Watch out cuz they're coming over to see if you have horns"-ville. Land of the Mega Churches and country music. Can you imagine a more wonderful place to be?
By far the most entertaining second hand experience I had here was discovering the Anti-Fat People Church.
This is a church whose prophet (a woman, who also has told them that women can't hold positions of authority and must submit to the men. Killing off the competition?) has decided that Brentwood (a local neighborhood) is the Promised Land (what's interesting is that Nashville has also become a mecca for various Muslim nationalities, but more on that later). They also believe that fat people are evil devil worshippers. (That is not -sic-, but it sounds good.)
Why?
Because this woman started out running workout programs for churches, before deciding to create her own religion out of her program. Hence, the existence of the Anti-Fat People Church.
It's the religion custom-made for Los Angeles. Or at least Beverly Hills and the Valley. And maybe Malibu as well.
Then there's the Kurds, Palestinians, Iranians, Bahai, Sudanese, (fill in your favorite Islamic group here), that have all gathered in and around Nashville. So you've got white evangelical Christian rednecks, and displaced refugee Muslims. And Jews. Fun, fun, fun!
I can't think of a way to end this, but neither can I think of anything else to say. Which is unfair. Because there's plenty more to say. Like how my sister's neighbor drove her to the hospital Friday night because she was in labor, and later we spied his wife wearing a pro-Palestinian t-shirt.
Or how there were only two kinds of dads playing with their kids at the park: hip, cool, tattooed, pierced, spiked hair dads, or crisp buttoned up shirt, tie wearing, military haircut, shiny shoes dads.
Or the fact that people here actually say, "Y'all." And don't laugh self consciously afterwards.
But tomorrow is Erev Shabbos, and the freshmen are arriving, and we've got Shabbos to cook, and I've got solo nephew and niece duty cuz my mommy is gone, and... and... and my brain is currently melting from lack of sleep and I only wrote this to make SOME VERY IMPATIENT PERSON ENTERTAINED. And I have another post I want to write tomorrow in honor of Shabbos.
So.
The End.